


the years have crawled by (and I've been alone all along)

by ShadowCr0w



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff, Healing, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, Slowly learning that life will be okay, There's a cat now, They'll be alright in the end, Years Later, references to other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowCr0w/pseuds/ShadowCr0w
Summary: Seventeen years since Ellie left, she meets a small trio of young adults in the forest near her latest holdout. One of them has her attention, his face and posture bringing up old ghosts from her past, she wants to ignore them, but he has his mother's concentrated face that makes her think twice.It's JJ, it has to be and she'll do anything she can to keep him and his friends safe.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 54
Kudos: 450
Collections: Archive





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Ehhh, my first fic for TLOU.
> 
> Note: I've never personally played the game, I've seen a lot of clips and read a lot of fic so there's going to be a LOT of things out of place but hopefully it's passable!

"Why should we trust you?" JJ held his rifle up to the stranger, he knew it would be pointless because it was almost impossible to survive for so long, for so alone as long as this stranger had and not be able to take down a few green scouts from a relatively safe town.

She chuckled, her voice raspy from disuse if he had to hazard a guess. "You shouldn't. But listen kid, weigh your options. Go with one stranger or try to hold in your camp while there's a horde of infected in the city." She had her hands held up, visible so they wouldn't get trigger happy at the slightest misstep. 

JJ glanced at his friends, they obviously had the same thought he did judging be the grimaces on their faces at the thought of a horde finding them. There would be no way they'd be able to fight them off and all make it home, at least if they go with the stranger, they can pretend that they'd have a chance at fighting her if she did solething out of turn towards them. He wasn't so new in his role as a scout to not be able to recognize the dangerous energy radiating off the woman in front if him, if she survived this long on her own, then she could be a bigger threat than the infected.

But, they might have a chance at resting and eating first.

"Lead the way, just know, we're watching you." He hated the tough act he had to put on but his mama said that it'd be his best chance at survival outside the gates. She hated the idea of him leaving, of going on patrol and scavenging but every able bodied adult had to at one point, so she taught him from a young age on how to keep his head when he encountered "loners" as she put it.

The woman chuckled and turned around, silently leading the way forward even though she was weighed down with weapons. None of them liked that she had such ready access to any of them but they were still relatively sure they could take her, or at least outrun her since she looked to be closer to 40, the same age as JJ's mom. Maybe, maybe his mom even knew her, not everyone out there was always alone and surely the same could be said of this woman.

Sometimes, they passed through sections with light, JJ took the time to study the woman. She was pale, surprisingly so despite having lived in the sunshine for so long, with dark hair that was shoulder length but the sides were tied up in a sort of half bun to keep it out of her face. She looked relatively well fed, muscular from years of survival but there was this... haunted aura that stayed with her despite the dangerous front she had.

What fascinated him most, was the leafy tattoo on her right arm and the two missing fingers on her left hand.

They followed her up a ladder and weaved their way through buildings connected by boards and fallen debris until they reached her "tower" where she hid out. It wasn't big, but it had enough room for her and the three of them to not bump into each other with perfect sight lines all around them, plus the ladder made it hard for any infected to sneak up on them and a choke point in case any human came knocking with ill intentions.

The noise her backpack made when she shrugged it off startled them, the damn thing was heavier than she made it out to be. "Don't shoot." She said dryly, not even looking over her shoulder to know that one of JJ's friends had his rifle pointed at her. 

"Man, knock that shit out." JJ smacked the gun away from the woman and they all slowly relaxed, especially when there was fresh water placed in front of them and she started a small fire to cook up something. He felt like he should have been more worried about the fire hazards and potential knife in the back, but now that his adrenaline was wearing off, he felt… relatively calm near her. His gut told him to trust her even if his head was screaming at him to keep his guard up.

Cautiously, he sat down near her, relieved when she didn't lunge at him, only scooted over to give him room to warm up next to the fire. His friends followed suit not long after, still wary but the thought of a meal was far too tempting to resist.

Once the rabbit stew was cooked, she dished them all up hearty portions first before serving what was left to herself. JJ wanted to protest and make sure she got enough to eat too but he was starving and she  _ did _ have this holdout, so he took the offering for what it was and scarfed down the warm, tasty stew with gusto.

"Where'd you learn to cook?" His buddy, Jake asked her after they finished scarfing their dinner. 

She shrugged a little and took the bowls away, setting them in a basket that she would likely carry to the stream and clean them when she could. "My dad, he taught me some but he sucked ass at it." A chuckle escaped her, a noise that felt just a tad unnatural but JJ liked to know that she was human. "My ex liked to tease me about it but you don't exactly pick up on a lot of life skills when you're always on the move." 

That made sense honestly and JJ felt lucky to have such a stable home life like he did, it was unconventional, what with his father being killed before he was born and his mom doing the best she could while grieving  _ someone _ that was always unnamed. He'd heard of a woman who left Jackson years ago but the person was always scolded when someone took notice of him listening, as if they never wanted him to hear what they were talking about. 

Jack and Caleb fell asleep first, both not as used to long days and both worn out more by their long journey to scavenge in this town. "So, what's your names?" The woman asked him quietly as she kept a sharp eye on the exit to the safehouse. "I assume you all are from Jackson, it's the closest settlement to here."

He eyed her warily, she knew a lot more than she let on and it was… more than a little concerning that she'd nail where his home was in one easy guess. "You got me there, um, Jack's the boy with the green coat and Caleb is the one with the mustache."

"No offense, but it doesn't really fit his face." 

JJ snorted at that. "You aren't lying, but he's nice, not really cut out for scavenge runs but he's  _ great _ at sewing. My mom, one of the town leaders, said she'd get him swapped over if we ever had another body to help us with patrols." 

There was a little frown on the woman's face, as if she were trying to figure out something. "Who's in charge now? It was Maria when I left… is she…?"

"Oh, aunt Maria's still around, she's… old but she's alive. Uncle Tommy passed on a few years ago." He missed the grief stricken look on the woman's face. "My mama is in charge now, she's been there a  _ long _ time, like way before I was born." 

They sat in silence for a bit, listening to the wilds around them and watching as a few infected slunk by in search of something to feed on. JJ never could quite stomach the sight of them, the few times in his life that he'd been unfortunate enough to  _ see  _ them that is. He could only imagine what this woman beside him had seen, hell, when was  _ she  _ born? Sometime after the outbreak like his mama? 

"You never told me your name." She said softly once the few stragglers had passed by. They had some time before the large group would pass so any questions and conversation would have to happen soon, especially if he wanted to find out  _ her _ name.

"Oh, uh, JJ. It's short for Jesse Joel but everyone just calls me JJ." 

"Oh." Her voice sounded weird and he turned to look at her, concerned because that was  _ another _ weird thing she did that didn't add up to the image in his head he was trying to create of her. She wasn't like anyone back home, that much was clear and it intrigued him to the point that he was going to drive himself  _ mad  _ to figure it out.

"So, uh, what's  _ your _ name?" JJ asked, settling further into his chair. 

"Ellie." She said, sadness coating her tone so thickly that he felt the ache in his own chest.

\--------

Days passed and the horde finally left the town, leaving the three men to finally be able to scavenge for supplies. Ellie was helpful, almost  _ overly _ so as she helped them find quality supplies, hell, even a few things that they didn't know what was the purpose for but looked useful. She helped keep them away from strays, kept them fed and safe.

"I can't believe a few days ago we wanted to shoot her." Jake muttered as he stashed more alcohol in his backpack. 

JJ chuckled. "Yeah, I can't  _ believe  _ you, Jake." He punched the man's shoulder and got thrown into a headlock for his troubles. 

"Boys." Ellie scolded them, getting them to break it up and get back to what they were doing. JJ shoved off Jake and went up to her side, preferring to stick with her as much as he could. 

He still couldn't place  _ why _ she made him feel safe but she did and it was damned nice to have an experienced adult help them along. Plus, the brutal, efficient way she dispatched infected was terrifyingly  _ awesome  _ and he definitely wanted that assist on his side for as long as possible.

\-----------

He was hurt, not fatally but bad enough that Ellie packed up her essentials after patching him up enough to hold and she helped him limp back to Jackson. Jack, Caleb and her would switch out who held him up and who took point on guarding the group so none of them were exhausted by the time they'd reach the walls.

He let out a little grunt as Ellie shifted his weight, jarring the wound on back enough for a twinge of pain to course through him. "Sorry kiddo, I might have to carry you in." She murmured to him, regret clear on her face at the thought of causing him even more pain. "It's getting ready to rain and it'll be easier if I hold you." 

JJ wanted to doubt that she could carry  _ him _ but he knew better than to question as she crouched down to sling him across her shoulders, draping him unceremoniously which of course hurt but it was better than walking honestly. He just  _ knew  _ his friends in Jackson would give him shit for it but he didn't really care, he would be the one with a badass scar at the end of it all and he got it  _ protecting  _ Ellie from a trap so he was extra badass for that.

Even if Ellie yelled at him for his stupidity.

\-----------

"Hey! The boys are back!" Ellie heard a guard on the tower yell, then one of them shouting for Dina as there were now four people plus a wounded boy who was her  _ son _ . 

He would have been Ellie's too had she not fucking walked out on them, a decision she's forced herself to live with for the past seventeen years. It had been jarring to see him in the forest almost a week ago, a man now who looked like a perfect mesh of Jesse and Dina with his mother's stern face that made her immediately recognize who he was even if it had been years since she saw Dina. 

God, maybe she'd… 

Ellie sighed as she looked down and walked inside the gates before being stopped by guns drawn on her. She had kept her face covered in hopes they wouldn't recognize her but who was she kidding? These guards were children the last time she was inside Jackson, no doubt a mix of the kids raised here and transplants from outside the wall to keep the population as fresh as possible considering the apocalypse happening outside. 

"Who are you?" 

"Did you hurt him?"

A commotion stopped them from probing her further and Ellie wasn't exactly prepared to make any sudden movements with four weapons drawn on her, even if Jack and Caleb were trying to cover her with their scrawny forms. "JJ!" 

That voice, it was Dina, it  _ had  _ to be. It was… older, which was to be expected but it was still undoubtedly the same gorgeous husk that she walked away from close to two decades ago.

"I'm okay!" JJ waved from behind her while Ellie refused to look up, she couldn't meet Dina's eyes and reopen the poorly closed wounds to her soul all over again. She should have let Jack and Caleb take him, she should have let them take him and she should have  _ minded  _ her own business when she stumbled upon the boy with her ex's face.

But instead, Dina touched her arm and tried to see her face but Ellie refused, her face was dirty anyways from rain and mud so it was… unlikely for Dina to recognize her. She didn't want to take the chance and cause anymore trouble anyways. "She's kinda shy." JJ covered her ass, getting Dina to focus back on him instead of trying to look Ellie in the eye. 

"Oh. Well, do you think you can carry him to the clinic? I don't know  _ who  _ you are but if you saved my boy's ass, then you can stop having guns in your face." She threw behind her, effectively dismissing the guards from their stances and they went back to their posts despite the wary glaces Ellie could feel being thrown at her. "JJ, are you okay?" 

"Ah, funny story…" Ellie followed Caleb's feet to the clinic, still staring at the ground to prevent Dina from seeing her. If she could get away from them, then she wouldn't be the reason for anyone to get hurt anymore. "Not infected, damn raider trap." 

"Yeah, she didn't see it and his dumbass pushed her out of the way, rusty nail to the back." Jack filled in helpfully, he didn't get told what her name was, she just nicknamed herself Alpha which had gotten her a couple of ribbings from them as a whole but she overheard them agreeing the dangerous nickname fit her so she didn't take any of their shit too seriously.

"Oh? And does our oblivious friend have a name?"

"Alpha!" Caleb chimed in.

"That's a stupid name." Dina chuckled and the little noise almost ended Ellie right then and there, she  _ missed  _ the teasing tone, the dark, husky note of her voice that always sent shivers down her spine whenever it graced her ears. "But given that she  _ is _ carrying my son over her back like luggage, I'll forgive it." 

"Oh  _ man _ , you should have been there! We found so much scrap, it was  _ dope _ !" JJ cheered, squirming slightly on her shoulders and sliding down on accident. He whined when she stopped to hop him further up, "Hey! Easy! I'm precious cargo!" 

"Oh please, you aren't worth an electric wire." 

" _ Mama _ ." 

Dina laughed, furthering Ellie's guilty spiral just that much further.

\----------

Ellie sat in a chair, refusing to speak or let anyone touch her after she put JJ down to get checked over by professionals. She'd gotten better at her first aid but… she still left a lot to be desired against rusty nails that carried who knows  _ what _ kind of diseases on them. Of course, she still cared about people, she still  _ loved  _ JJ and Dina, she knew it would hurt and it would be a painful trek back to Jackson, both physically (on JJ's part) and emotionally (on her part). 

But she did it. She came back, despite the possible implications. Maybe she should have sooner, maybe she shouldn't have  _ ever _ but here Ellie was. In Jackson.

Near Dina.

"Hey, you really saved his life." Dina's voice caused her to stiffen and she forced her bad hand out of sight, it having been out to retie her shoelaces. She could only hope that her ex would have the peace of mind to remember when someone was hiding something, not out of malice, but simply because they didn't want to share. 

Ellie didn't say anything, hoping that Dina would go away so she could sneak out of sight, check on JJ and leave without causing any problems. She hoped that the universe, whoever was out there would take pity on her battered soul and let her off easy.

"Fuck, you're  _ bleeding _ ." That soft hand touched her jacket of her right arm, not far from her tattoo that was still so distinct even if it was years and years later. "Come on, follow me, I can help." 

And  _ fuck _ , Ellie was still so weak, so soft for Dina that she got up and followed her like the cloaked figure that she was to a place away from prying eyes. 

\----------

She now sat on a medical bed, shaking slightly from the nerves and left over adrenaline that had followed when Dina told her to follow. Ellie saw this situation going one of two ways, she would either run and make Dina suspicious that she was out to cause harm to the compound and put  _ every  _ guard on high alert with the walkie talkie on her hip. Then, Ellie would fight her way out and well, she wasn't young anymore, when she was in her 20's/earlier 30's, yeah she could have. 

But she was really tired now, so option B sounded… Nicer. She'd take whatever Dina gave her, yelling, forgiveness, whatever it was, it'd be nice to just… exist again.

Dina sat on a stool in front of her, a pale of water next to her and a suture kit beside her. "I'm sorry we don't have much to numb it up." She said quietly up to Ellie before touching her hand gently to Ellie's sleeve. "I need to roll this up or you can take it off completely, if you don't want me to see your face, I won't look okay?" 

Ellie nodded and pulled away, an action that hurt her heart more than it did the insignificant wound on her arm. She never wanted this moment to end while she also wanted it to be  _ done  _ with so she could have her answer on how Dina would react. A quick little glance revealed that Dina was steadfastly looking away, her promise genuine as it  _ always  _ was. For fuck's sake, Dina was the most open, genuine person Ellie had ever known and it would take more than the apocalypse to make her lose that edge.

So, with a deep breath, Ellie dropped her arm in Dina's line of sight, her tattoo slightly marred by the cut she'd gotten but still identifiable enough that there would be  _ no  _ mistaking who sat in front of her. 

"Alright then-" Dina froze with the washrag in her hand, held over the bucket so that it would drip down into it instead of all over the questionably clean floor of the clinic room. Her eyes were locked onto her tattoo and Ellie could vaguely see that she was tracing every detail of it, barely blinking as if she was processing that it  _ was  _ Ellie, not some figment of her imagination. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, those eyes followed the line of her bicep, curving over her shoulder, up her neck and then locking onto her dirty face. Ellie cracked a weak grin, her nerves clear as day from the way she trembled so openly in front of the woman she left all those years ago. "Hey…" she said, her voice cracking but still distinguishable amidst the background noise of whatever was playing through the radio. 

The cloth dropped and Dina covered her mouth out of shock, tears sprung to her eyes as she breathed out a hoarse, "Ellie?"


	2. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They can't start over, they've got too much history together to pretend nothing happened. They can't pick up where Ellie left them, too much time has pass for them to be familiar with each other. 
> 
> But, they can start somewhere in the middle and learn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will remain as completed because the next chapter isn't for sure so any comments or support is greatly appreciated as I try to continue! Thank you for the amazing response to chapter 1!

Dina managed to regain her senses long enough to recover the dropped washcloth, her eyes never leaving Ellie's as she properly took in her worn out face. She was… more gaunt than she had been years ago, her eyes a tad more haunted from living outside of Jackson but there was a sense of peace to her now, one that didn't exist when they were younger. Logically, Dina knew years had passed, they weren't the same people anymore but Ellie still  _ left _ and she had to learn how to survive without her, raise JJ  _ without _ her. 

She really wished Ellie hadn't come back, or maybe she didn't wish that, especially now that she knew that Ellie was who JJ got injured for, her son always did have a bleeding heart but  _ that _ was new. It was too late to tell her to leave, not without her saying a proper goodbye to JJ lest she hurt them all over again.

Still, she did help him and the boys come home, so Dina owed her at least proper stitches and a change of clothes. Ellie definitely needed a bath before then… 

"So." Dina cleared her throat, trying to start up a conversation because despite all the buried feelings of rage and sorrow, she missed Ellie on a deeper level than she ever would have admitted out loud. The thing was, where did they start? They had too much history to start completely over but then too much time had passed for them to be familiar with each other again. 

What did she do?

"I… you look well." Ellie finally broke the silence, wincing as Dina softly scrabbed at the wound on her arm. You'd think she'd be used to this by now, the pain, the stitches, the crushing loneliness that she felt every time she had an injury that she had to take care of by herself. No, it was as if as soon as Dina was in front of her again, she was back to being the young girl she had been when they were sixteen and Dina was stitching her up for the first time with worry in her demeanor everytime Ellie whimpered.

They weren't sixteen anymore. This wasn't like that, they weren't falling in love slowly anymore because Ellie  _ ruined _ it by leaving.

Dina just shyly chuckled, ducking her head and a charming blush spread across her cheeks. "Thanks, you look like shit." 

Ellie laughed, properly laughed at that, loud and violently enough that Dina stopped what she was doing with Ellie's arm to sit back and take in her former lover,  _ alive _ and laughing again. Her laughing dissolved into a wheezing shudder after a few moments before she grinned at Dina, "I don't think you know how much I needed that." 

"It's true, they must not have good hygiene standards out in the wilds." Dina teased softly, taking the opportunity to just exist with Ellie before they inevitably visited the hard topics that they both have been ignoring for years. 

Ellie chuckled, shaking her head slightly. She missed Dina's antics, she missed her teasing and the way her voice got deeper every time she was being a dick purely for the fun of it instead of there being any real malice behind her voice. It was nice, just sitting here with Dina's cold, gentle fingers on her battered skin, softly cleaning out debris from the cut then stitching it up in that firm manner she always had, it was just a lot more practiced now.

"You, uh, have time to help in the clinic? He…. JJ said you do when you don't have meetings." Ellie was curious, she didn't know how much of Dina was still the same but if she was willing, Ellie wanted to learn again and earn her trust. 

She didn't answer right away, focused on tying off the stitches in Ellie's arm before moving away to grab gauze to wrap it up. Dina applied just a tad of the antibiotic cream they still had before looping the bandage around and around Ellie's forearm, covering the tattoo in the process. She secured it in place with a little flourish and patted Ellie's arm softly to let her know that it was officially done with. “All done.” 

Ellie thanked her, now unsure if she was supposed to leave or what. 

“You stay your ass there, by the way.” Dina headed towards the door, but she refused to leave without throwing a glare at Ellie. “If you leave this time, I’m hunting you down personally.” 

She held up her hands in defense, acutely aware of eyes focusing in on the nubs where two fingers used to be when she left last time. “Don’t worry, I know we actually have to talk and honestly, I’m really tired of being alone.” Ellie hoped this was the right time to be honest and open about her feelings instead of hiding away like she would have seventeen years ago. 

Dina gave her a long, hard stare, eyes searching for any ounce of dishonesty that could be hiding on Ellie’s face but she seemed satisfied that Ellie was telling the truth so she smiled at her and disappeared through the open door into the hallway.

Ellie took the time to collapse onto the bed and soak in whatever the fuck just happened. 

\-----------

Dina brought her a change of clothes and shoved her off towards the area for bathing, ordering her to be mindful of her gauze but to get cleaned up if she wanted to see JJ. “I can’t believe it, he’s gone a few extra days and he brings in a damn ghost.” Dina chuckled, a little bitter still over what happened. Ellie went to apologize but Dina held up a hand to stop her, “No, we’re not talking about it now. I don’t even know where to fucking  _ start _ okay? So, just, go wash up. He’s in the room at the end of the hall on the left. Door’s open.” 

Ellie kept her mouth shut and silently disappeared into a shower stall. Absently, she wondered when they got running water actually hooked up in the hospital but she shouldn’t be surprised, Dina wouldn’t be a slouch as a leader and she’d do her damndest to watch after everyone in Jackson. It’s part of what drew Ellie to her in the first place, that spark, that warm fire that burned inside of her that lured her in like a moth to light. 

Instead of letting herself be warmed by that fire, she chased the cold wind of revenge and snuffed out any chance she had to see Dina’s fire grow into the inferno she saw when she stepped into Jackson again.

The water was cold, clean and refreshing. Exactly what she needed to try and wash away the years of dirt and regret that had built up while she was on the move from settlement to settlement, town to town as she tried to find a new home when all that really called to her was the home she abandoned, the farm and the family that remained when she made her choice. It’d been years and she still felt that same guilt that overtook her when she walked onto the farm again, and she failed at playing that damn guitar while the flashback to the night before this all started played over and over again in her memory. 

With her spirit broken, she left again. This time, she swore it would be for good, she wouldn’t make anyone else suffer with her in their life ever again. No one deserved the wreck she was, the disaster she brought with her. Ellie knew she was good at one thing, destruction and death, the two facets of her went hand in hand and she walked out, leaving to find a new purpose.

She spat out some water that got in her mouth, coughing slightly as the taste of acrid soap stuck around on her tongue. Funny, the only time she had ever felt more than a bringer of death was when she was in Jackson, surrounded by friends that she called family until secrets came to light and she lost her way. It took too long for her to realize she was  _ more _ than that angry, scared girl who chased after Abby, it took a few visits with a stranger named Pam who’d been a psychologist before the outbreak to help her find new ways to cope, new ways to learn when she could have found the answers in Jackson with Dina by her side.

Ellie chuckled to herself and shut off the water. It was no good. She screwed up and she would own up to that, maybe Dina would at least let her be her friend again because even before they started dating, some of the best times of her life had been with Dina as her best friend. Hell, JJ as an adult was a riot and he was such a good kid, she wanted some kind of relationship with him, even just as a distant mentor. 

Whatever she was allowed, she wanted it more than anything. 

Once out of the stall, she found there were fresh clothes waiting for her and her dirty ones had disappeared. Hopefully, they were getting washed and not recycled into whatever fabric scrap pile that hung around in Jackson nowadays. At least these clothes fit better, they were smaller and they actually fit on her taut frame instead of sagging and hiding her away from the world. Ellie  _ did _ feel a little exposed in the short sleeved flannel, her arms on display and no hood to hide in but she supposed that she’d hid away long enough and it was time to face the music as Joel had said one day so long ago.

Finding JJ’s room was easy, she followed the sound of his laughter as he reached out to whack Caleb’s thigh with the arm that was opposite to his wound. Dina was checking it, forcing him to stay on his stomach while she gently prodded around it to make sure the numbing had taken proper effect and that it wasn’t infected from Ellie’s field dressing. 

“Hey! Don’t hit me!” Caleb laughed and kicked his foot up to hit JJ’s foot that was hanging off the bed thanks to his tall frame. “I’ll tell your mother how you’re bullying me.”

“Aw man, my mama’s right here!”

Dina snorted. “JJ, be nice to Caleb or you’re on overnight guard tower duty instead of day shift.” 

The dramatic gasp that JJ made was enough to pull a dry chuckle from Ellie, getting everyone’s attention to the doorway where she stood awkwardly now that they were all looking at her instead of focusing on each other. Dina smiled softly at her and jerked her head, inviting her in and Ellie stumbled forward in a little happy daze. 

Which was promptly broken when JJ saw it was her, “Hey! Ellie!” He waved over his head with his good arm, his face squished into the bed as he half grinned at her. “Wow, I can actually see you have a face that isn’t sweat or mud.”

Of course he behaved just like his mother, Ellie really should have expected that. “Haha, fuck you.” She rolled her eyes and poked his shoulder, not unaware that she was  _ right next  _ to Dina as a result. 

“Your sewing is still shit by the way.” Dina told her casually instead of commenting on the fact that she had sworn at JJ. “They had to do a lot of clean up for a little stab wound.” There was a little devilish look on her face, highlighted by the new lines and wrinkles that appeared as she got older. God, she was still so gorgeous and it made Ellie’s heart throb painfully as she really felt the fact that she missed out on a lot by being gone. 

Instead, she kicked the side of Dina’s foot, playfully glaring at her. “Hey, I was freaking out, okay? It wasn’t exactly daylight when I was patching him up either.”

“I had a flashlight.” Caleb said unhelpfully and Ellie narrowed her eyes at him, to which he sort of shivered nervously before he quickly left the room with a, “Good luck, JJ!” and was heard from no more. 

“Ellie, you staying?” JJ asked after a few moments of comfortable silence between the three of them. “I don’t know who you can stay with but we got room on our couch!” Just the fact that he was offering their home so readily definitely meant that he had no idea the history between Ellie and the people of Jackon, between her and Dina either. She had to figure out a way to shoot him down gently, to say thanks but no thanks and she really would be fine sleeping elsewhere outside the compound. 

Dina stopped her before she  _ could _ respond though. “Yeah, our couch is free.” There was a weighted look on her face, nonverbally telling Ellie that by her choosing to stay now would be the best way to earn her trust back. 

Ellie rubbed the back of her neck, shyly accepting the offer while JJ whooped excitedly and Dina just smiled that oh so sweet smile at her. She felt almost human again, her heart beating faster and faster for the first time in years like she’d made the right choice for once, like things might actually work out for her and that the universe was trying to apologize for fucking up her life over and over again. 

\-----------

She and JJ were confined to the clinic for another night, just for observation and Ellie could tell Dina got some sort of sick pleasure out of forcing her to stay in one place for once in their lives. Ellie didn’t blame her, she didn’t even fight it,  _ much _ at least. Force of habit, she’d told Dina because staying in one place for too long in the wilds was dangerous, it meant certain death but she was safe here and it’d take some time getting used to it again. 

Dina gave her a long indiscernible look, the expression staying even as she said, “Thank you for being honest,” before she quickly left the room that Ellie would be sleeping in, shutting the door and almost slamming it in her haste to get out of there. 

In the morning, she woke up with a cat on her chest, staring at her with a long, yellow gaze that made Ellie feel like she was being probed and examined worse than when Dina studied her the other day. “What?” Ellie asked, frowning at the black cat that was silently judging her. “I promise I didn’t steal any of your damn tuna.” She tried a little joke in hopes that it would break the stoic facade even though this was a damn cat that was staring holes through her. 

The stern look broke after a few more moments and the cat slowly blinked at her before bunting her in her mouth with its head in some form of approval. It started purring loudly and made small kneading motions into the fabric covering her chest, then it lied down on top of her and tucked its legs under its body to form a perfect loaf that pinned Ellie to the cot she had been forced to sleep on all night. Instead of panicking at the vibrating weight that had settled on her, she brought up the hand with the stubby fingers on it to gently scratch it behind its ears. The purring got louder as a result and the cat leaned into her hand, its eyes closed in contentment. 

Ellie couldn’t help but smile. “Aw, you aren’t a bad kitty, huh? Do you have a name?” She didn’t see a tag or a collar on its body but that didn’t mean that it didn’t have a name. It was a fat cat so no doubt someone had been feeding them but if they didn’t have a name… “You look like Joel.” She murmured quietly, drawing a comparison between her late father figure and the cat due to the stern demeanors they originally presented before they both melted into someone who actually had a soft heart behind that face. 

She didn’t notice Dina watching her from the doorway until she interrupted with a soft, “His owner passed away a while back.” Her voice startled Ellie into stopping but the soft weight on her chest grounded her and helped calm her down so that she resumed the action just as quickly as she stopped. “Mr. Johnson just called him Cat but you’re right, he does look like Joel.”

Ellie was happy that Dina agreed with her honestly, hell, maybe she could… she did always want a little creature to take care of after she and Dina settled down on the farm. The farm animals had been nice, but she really, really wanted a cat like this after hearing about Dina’s experience with them growing up. 

“Luckily for you, I’ve been taking care of him since he’s a stubborn ass who won’t leave the clinic.” Dina’s voice sounded fond so Ellie didn’t try and defend her new friend, instead happily stroking the soft fur behind his ears as the purring increased in intensity with Dina drawing closer to them. “Which means if you want to carry him, I’ll get his stuff and he can come to my place with us.” 

Ellie made a happy noise and sat up slowly to not scare off the cat that she now dubbed Joel. Maybe he knew Ellie was coming and he waited for her to get there, maybe he was her new guardian in a way or maybe he was a broken soul who needed a companion just as much as she did after being alone for years. 

A thought struck her, “Does JJ like cats?” she asked and followed Dina down the hallway to where they needed to go. 

\-----------

Turns out, JJ loved cats and he was excited to have one around. Joel even let himself be carried around by the overgrown child that JJ was and shown around the house while Dina gently tended to her arm. “Be careful not to stretch your back too far!” Dina yelled up at him and got an equally loud _ ok _ from the young man in question. She rolled her eyes and smirked at Ellie, “I have no idea where he got that stubborn streak from.” 

Ellie’s breath caught in her throat at the spark in Dina’s eyes and she searched her face for any other emotion other than mischievousness. There was an underlying current of sadness, like Dina was mourning that he should have gotten his stubbornness from  _ her _ and he shouldn’t have had to pick it up by himself without Ellie to help guide him. 

It was too intense of a feeling and Ellie didn’t want to ruin the light hearted moment so she said, “Y’know, I think you were the one who wanted to bean children with snowballs.” 

“Excuse you,  _ you _ agreed to it, you little shit!” Dina let out a full bellied laugh at the memory, enticing Ellie into her all over again even if she didn’t deserve to be here. Maybe she didn’t but she was going to let Dina decide about what happened after the talk they’d have. Hell, Ellie would do anything to prove that she learned from her experience, that she was indeed older and wiser now.

Dina’s laugh died off and she flushed under the soft look she was getting from Ellie. “What?”

There were so many things Ellie wanted to say, things she wanted to tell Dina about what happened over the years, there were things that she wanted to hear too. JJ’s first steps, his first words, his first day of training… She wanted to know about Dina too, what happened when she stepped up as one of the leaders of Jackson, what she did after Ellie left other than never telling JJ she existed, not that she blamed Dina at all for that decision. 

So many words. So many feelings. Did she have time to say them all? Did she have time to start, not anew, but over in a way with their history to be honest and open about who she was and how she actually felt? 

“I’m sorry and I want to stay, please.” Ellie croaked out the words that Dina had been begging her to say seventeen years ago, perhaps it was too late now to beg for forgiveness. Maybe there was no forgiveness, maybe it was only resolution and she’d be sent on her way once Dina got the closure she needed for that part of her life. 

But, those wonderful lips stretched into a bright smile instead of the deep scowl that Ellie had expected in return for her heartfelt sentiment. “I want you to stay.” Dina rasped and she launched up to hug Ellie for the first time in close to two decades. 

Ellie closed her eyes and returned the hug, allowing herself to get carried away in the softness of Dina’s body and the sweet smell of whatever it was that was so wholly  _ her. _ They’d talk more later, but now, now they could start over properly and Ellie would be better, she would and she was going to  _ stay _ .

No matter what it took, Ellie was home and she was never walking away again.


	3. Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not forgiveness, but it's the start of something at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly written at two am when I couldn't sleep before work.
> 
> Enjoy!

Ellie poked around Dina's kitchen, trying not to wake up either of her housemates in her search for something minor to snack on. She promised herself to go hunting and bring some fresh meat in exchange but she was hungry right  _ now _ and Cat Joel was sitting on a chair, chattering at her everytime she made too much noise. 

" _ Be quiet _ ." Ellie hissed at him, holding up a finger as if it would intimidate him into behaving while she scrounged for something to eat. Cat Joel meowed at her in response, clearly offended by her tone of voice leading Ellie to wonder what the hell she did to get adopted by a sassy cat. 

She chuckled at the irony, Joel probably thought something similar when Ellie first tagged along with him and it seems this was her penance for being so difficult in the beginning of it all. 

"Why are you tearing up my kitchen?" Dina's wonderfully husky voice interrupted Ellie's search and she froze like a deer caught in a flashlight beam. She was afraid that if she moved, Dina would chew her out for waking her up because the Dina she remembered hated being woken up in the middle of the night and there wasn't too much reason for that to change, right?.

Ellie blinked owlishly at her as Cat Joel hopped off his chair and went over to Dina to rub against her legs. The stern look broke just as easily as it had settled there and Dina knelt down to scratch the cat behind his ears, "You should have seen your  _ face." _ She giggled sweetly, a wonderful sound each time after so many years without it. 

It helped her relax, "Aw come on." Ellie pouted, rubbing the back of her neck. She should have been able to hear Dina was there, she'd spent  _ years _ in the wilds and for what? To be oblivious when a girl was creeping around? That wasn't her style, even if she'd always been a bit dumb when Dina was involved. "I guess I deserved that but still." 

Dina didn't say anything for a moment, studying Ellie while she slowly stroked Cat Joel's fur. "Was it hard?" She asked lowly, careful not to disturb the silence too much with her question. At Ellie's inquisitive hum she elaborated, "Living on your own on the outside for so long." Dina finished.

Ellie leaned back against the counter behind her, absentmindedly touching the skin around where she'd lost her fingers. Was it hard? Of course it was, but Ellie had survived on her own before so that had been no different due to her skills. The real burden was that she'd gotten lonely, occasionally she'd have others to travel with or someone to tag along when they figured out she was dangerous and adept at protecting, but they all left sooner or later.

It was better that way, the only person Ellie could hurt then was herself. 

“Well, yeah.” Ellie shrugged it off, she didn’t want to think about some of the things she had to do in order to survive. It wasn’t like living as a raider, she would never stoop to their level of preying on the innocent in order to make it to the next day. No, all her targets had been just as wicked as she was, if not more honestly. Some of them had been far more evil than Ellie ever thought someone could get but she shouldn’t have been surprised at how far humans were willing to go, herself as an example. 

Dina’s lips pressed into a thin line, a flash of frustration crossed her face before she took a deep breath in order to remain calm. “That’s it? Seventeen years away and your communication skills are still shit.” 

She wanted to snap that she hadn’t exactly had a lot of quality companionship out there, she wanted to blow up and get angry in return until they were right back to where they’d been when Ellie left to hunt Abby. 

A deep breath in and then out, she deflated and held up her hands in surrender. It wasn’t worth it, she’d already done enough damage to everyone in her life, it was time she started repairing something and  _ fighting _ for it even if all her instincts were screaming at her to protect her heart from more damage. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… have many opportunities to talk to people out there. I hung by myself for the most part, JJ’s team was the first real sort of people I’d seen in over a year.” She explained instead, hopefully answering Dina’s question on if life outside the walls was as hard as she thought too. 

It was lonely, so fucking lonely. Most of the time she’d been waiting, waiting for some sort of light to show up, waiting for dawn but the light was gone and she was all alone with nobody but herself to blame.

Dina’s anger softened. “Yeah, well, you should have come back.” 

How many times had Ellie told herself that? More times than she could count honestly and it all started the moment she walked out the door, her ears faintly catching the sound of Dina falling to the floor with a choked sob escaping her. She should have turned back then, but she had been so consumed by the need for revenge that she forced away the love she had for her family, her living, breathing family to avenge Joel. 

She scratched at the back of her neck again. “I know. I agree.” 

That got a curious look this time. Dina still didn’t seem to know what to make of her after all this time away, she wasn’t the girl who walked out on her but she also wasn’t the happier woman who was lethal as a freshly sharpened blade when out on patrol. Ellie was a puzzle now, something more aged and weathered like any of the scrap they found nowadays, something waiting to be dusted off and given a new purpose. 

All those metaphors were part of the reason why Dina let her stay. Plus, despite all the hurt and agony that she felt over losing Ellie, once to revenge and then twice to a rumour that she  _ died _ , she was just fucking delighted to see that her former best friend was alive. So she let her stay, she tried to be happy that Ellie was back even as old hurts resurfaced. 

“I don’t trust you. I want to believe you’ve changed.” Dina started softly. “I can see you’re trying, you’ve been a lot more honest with me in the past day than you were for months about your grief but you  _ left _ .” 

“I regret it but Dina, I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had a panic attack and hurt JJ, if I hurt  _ you _ .” Ellie pushed off of the counter, not approaching Dina but straightening up. If they were going to have this talk in the dead of night where they were both a bit rumpled from napping (or faking it since Ellie had just laid on the couch with eyes wide open) and a bit more vulnerable due to the sheer lateness that it was. “I don’t know how to explain it really, I’d do it again but I also wish it hadn’t happened.” 

Dina’s lips pressed firmly together. Her arms crossed under her chest and she stayed firmly rooted in her spot on the shoddy tile floor. "You realize that doesn't make sense, right?" 

She did, she understood that her mind made it a lot harder than it was but again, Ellie was out of practice with people and years ago, Dina was Dina but now, they were strangers with a  _ history _ , uncertain how to proceed in healing from the damage Ellie had caused.

"For the record." Dina said before Ellie could continue, "I don't just blame you. I blamed Tommy for giving you the final push out the door. Fuck, his final regret was that he gave you that damn map because he was sure he got you  _ killed _ . He lost his brother and then his niece, all I could do was tell him that he deserved to feel that regret." She said bitterly, almost spitting the words out. 

Ellie winced. Yeah, she hadn't exactly forgiven Tommy until a few years ago herself. Leaving that night though, that was all on her and she  _ never  _ blamed Tommy for her final decision because she had the opportunity to choose Dina and she didn't, she threw it away for revenge. However, she did understand  _ why _ now, she understood why she left and it wasn't all bad despite the horrible things she'd seen and done, she needed to learn some things for herself.

"I didn't even kill her." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah." She winced and then went on to explain what happened when she found Abby. "I don't forgive her, not now and I never will but… damned if I didn't understand her motives." Ellie hated it, she hated admitting when someone she despised with all of her soul was relatable and if Abby had been some black and white villian from those old comics she read, Ellie definitely would have killed her. 

But she didn't. 

She drew in a shaky breath and laughed bitterly, "I was sitting in the ocean, I'd lost two fingers-" she wiggled the stumps out of frustration and missed the soft, sad look from Dina-"And remembering when I said my biggest fear was being alone and guess fucking what? I was alone. It was my  _ fault. _ "

After that, they stood in silence while Ellie raged silently at herself. She was proud of herself though, communication had never been her strong suit and she managed to get  _ something _ out, even if she knew it wouldn't fix her relationship with Dina but what was it that therapist had said?  _ A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step _ , or some shit like that?

Maybe her first step was tonight, maybe it had been that night on the farm house when she left and now she was finishing up the last grueling trek by working on being forgiven.

"It's been seventeen years, Ellie." Her ears burned a little with the soft way Dina said her name, the sad sound made her almost  _ swoon _ and cry in the same breath. "We can't just…  _ start _ over." 

Ellie agreed. "I'm not asking to start over, or hell, pick up where we left off. I'm, uh, asking to at least prove I'm different. I get if you say no, I get why but I'd like to try." She wanted to fidget again but she'd already laid enough of her heart out for one night, though if Dina asked more of her, she'd answer in a heartbeat to do whatever she could to ease the other woman's mind. Cat Joel seemed to understand her anxiety and the fact that it was skyrocketing, he came over and softly bunted at her shins and purred up at her. 

She took the distractions and knelt down to give him a few scratches. "I'm fine." Ellie murmured, grateful for a friend to focus on to prevent herself from hyperventilating. Panic attacks were a rarer occurrence nowadays, not unheard of but still something she tried to control. It was  _ tiring _ having to worry so much, but it was worth it to try and avoid triggers, to try and deal with  _ what _ triggered them so she didn't have to live in fear anymore. 

"Well…" Dina moved around her and reached into a cupboard that Ellie hadn't checked during her scrounge for something to snack on. When she pulled back, she had a container of cookies and Ellie sorely hoped those were the cookies made with the recipe that Dina's mom had been known for before she left. "I haven't gotten my mom's recipe 100% because I  _ can't _ understand some of her writing but here, as close as you're gonna get." She passed off the container to Ellie who eagerly dug into them, offering Dina one in exchange before she was encouraged to eat the whole thing. 

"What about JJ?" Ellie asked around a mouthful of cookie.

"He doesn't like them, says they aren't the same." Another laugh followed, increasing to giggles when Cat Joel hopped on the table in hopes of getting a scrap of food. Ellie held the cookies away from his inquisitive paws as he meowed at the offensive move. 

"Paws off, I haven't had cookies in years!" Ellie hissed and gently elbowed Cat Joel who flopped over in defeat, almost  _ pouting  _ at the injustice of it all. She was aware about how sad that sounded, it was but it was the reality of her situation. God, not even to mention how she'd have to reacclimate to something akin to civilization and  _ people _ . 

It was worth a shot though, wasn't it? At least in order to have some kind of relationship with the woman she fell in love with when she was still a kid and the boy,  _ man _ who should have been her son. It wasn't starting over, nor was any of this forgiveness. 

But it was a start.


	4. One step forward, two steps back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie's mouth gets ahead of her again but instead of running away, she wants to get better with her self control. The only thing is that she doesn't know how to handle people anymore.

Sometimes, to move forward with healing, you had to stumble and fall face first into the ground in order to achieve your goal.

It took only two days for Ellie to feel like escaping the house she'd been brought into after the hospital visit. Things were awkward with Dina after Ellie let her mouth get ahead of her brain but at least JJ had blessedly been out of the house then. She apologized  _ immediately _ though she respected the fact that Dina may not have trusted her sincerity outright, especially not after years away and such a dumb thing she said. It was a stupid comment, one made because Ellie had gotten too comfortable with being blunt and genuinely herself, she'd forgotten how to behave around other people while living on the outside. So, she apologized profusely, backed off like an animal who was scared to provoke further to let Dina have the living room by herself and disappeared into her little… room she had there.

It wasn't a room, not really. It was more like a large closet with a sleeping bag there, Ellie had refused an actual room from JJ. She didn't want to make things more awkward with Dina, after all but when he pressed for an explanation, Ellie semi-lied and told him that the dark, comfort of the closet was nice and it didn't feel so big like a room would. 

He backed off after that, understanding as much as one could when you haven't gone through the exact circumstances that a person had. Ellie could tell Dina felt conflicted over it then, torn between gratitude and sorrow, a hint of anger in there too. She just turned away and left it at that, not allowing the conversation to get anymore out of hand.

The morning following the argument, Ellie left the house with Cat Joel hot on her heels. He was used to being an outdoors cat, so she didn't stop him from following her, plus she felt it was cruel to just leave him alone after he adopted her like he did the night in the clinic.

She didn't know where to go, per se, but if she wanted to get better with people, then people she needed to be around. Plus, there were still plenty of folks who remembered her and they'd be wondering if she was okay no matter how much the thought of interaction terrified her. Ellie would just have to suck it up and throw herself into the deep end in order to reacclimate to the town.

At least she wasn't alone, Cat Joel reminded her of that by rubbing up against her leg, smooshing his cheek on her pants and rumbling so loud that she heard him from where her ears were. "Well, you needed to get out too, I guess." She mused and bent down briefly to scratch behind his ears, his purring somehow increasing in volume. 

Her first stop was the market. she wasn't the same cloaked figure that came in so her face, plus her scars and tattoo were on display, marking her as someone different within the community. Again. Ellie could feel people staring at her as she delved into the mess of people, her nerves slowly fraying the deeper she went. 

She could do this, she promised herself that she'd get better, that she'd prove to Dina that she  _ was _ different now and that meant not running away when an out was presented to her. No matter if she was uncomfortable with what was happening. So, she took a deep breath and tried to keep herself grounded before pressing forward in hopes that it was just performance nerves of sorts.

Ellie noticed new things all the way into the center of the market. For example, there was a little cart with an older woman she didn't recognize, she had a few baskets of fruits to sell, mostly apples and tomatoes but she spied a couple ears of corn mixed into the plethora. It was nice to know that they had so many fresh vegetables now that some folk took to selling them to those who didn't grow their own or help out in the fields.

She passed by someone selling weapons, mainly knives and hatchets that were handcrafted. So there was a proper forge now? Ellie idly wondered if it was open to the public and if the merchant wouldn't mind teaching her how to make a cool knife sometime, maybe even new kitchen knives for Dina as she noticed they were getting worn. 

Even if her curiosity skyrocketed the longer she walked, it was all still so unusual and overwhelming that by the time she made it to the center of the stalls, her hands were shaking from all the stimulation. It had overwhelmed her, yeah, but she just stuffed her hands in her pockets in hopes that they were just cold despite it being a rather warm spring day. 

Cat Joel rubbed up against her, helping ground her and she pushed on towards someone selling… trinkets of some sort in her little stall.

Things really had changed so much since she left, new people had appeared from other parts of the country, bringing with them new baggage and new ideas to blend into the community that had existed for… almost 25 years now. Hell, new people had been born into Jackson since her disappearance, that thought made evident by the pitter patter of children’s feet running by her on her way here. They’d startled her, caused her to stumble to keep out of their way even if one stopped to give Cat Joel a few pats on his head but even that lasted only a few moments, the child gave Ellie a little, “Thank you, miss,” before they ran off after their companions.

Then there was all the new shit that was here. Not just new people selling stuff or the new people in  _ general _ , but all the new things that made life just a little easier in the apocalypse. Things like showers hadn’t been uncommon, or even unheard of, when she left, just that they had been under a water restriction then but had the townspeople figured out a reliable source of water? It’d make sense due to their proximity to the dam but it felt almost too civilized for Ellie who relied on cold stream water and scraps of something soap like in order to stay clean. Sometimes, if she got lucky, she could get extra supplies in exchange for a little manual labor on her part (which lead to wonderful, sleep filled nights) then she could wash away all the grim she collected just by living on her own. 

She did like the market though, the idea of it at least was fascinating enough. The way it expanded definitely kept her intrigued. There were new smells, some good and a few particularly bad ones that made her gag the further she had gone in.

“Are you new around here?” The merchant asked her, startling out of her overwhelmed stupor. She eyed Ellie with a careful gaze, taking in her less than put together appearance and pursing her lips in thought. Her appearance was striking, she was the most interesting woman here and easily one of the buffest. She had her hair tied back behind her head, though the sides were shaved and a brilliant blue tattoo could be seen just peeking around from the back of her neck.

Well, sort of not new and sort of very, very new. “You could say that.” Ellie mumbled, scratching the back of her neck and glancing around to keep tabs on her surroundings. It was okay, she was doing fine, Cat Joel was still with her and she wasn’t crowded even if the market was a bit busy. 

The woman made a thoughtful little noise. “Well, I’m Beau." She stopped judging Ellie and stuck her hand out with a little grin. Ellie hesitantly shook it, almost bristling at the contact but she pushed through because she promised that she’d do this, right? She promised herself and all the people she hurt when she left that she’d get better, no matter what it took and no matter how painful the process might be.

“Ellie.”

Beau contemplated again before a grin spread across her face, bunching up the scar on her face before she turned around and dug into a bucket under the table. “My wife makes these and I like, sell them for her but you look like you need a pick me up.” 

Ellie’s mind latched onto the word wife, obvious surprise showing on her face at hearing that word. Before she left and during her time outside the walls, she hadn’t run into any people that were like her that she knew of, more often than not she was the only one and she didn’t make a habit of trying to be friends with anyone for them to know who she was. So, she was already interested in whatever Beau was going to offer her because the trinkets were adorable already and well, why not?

Beau made a little, “Fuck yeah!” from under the table before she reappeared and held out a little dinosaur in her hand. 

Ellie’s heart dropped through her stomach. It was the exact same one she had seen in the museum with Joel decades ago, granted it was on a smaller, wooden scale. She hadn’t been prepared for the possibility that that would be the first thing she would get of her own once back inside Jackson. Fuck, she didn’t expect for something so small to reduce her to near tears or make her feel like she couldn’t breathe all of the sudden.

Her hands shoved in front of her without her consent, waving away the little trinket. Why couldn’t she breathe? When had the street become so crowded?

She had to go- 

Ellie turned and ran away from Beau, tears coming down her cheeks as she was hit with a wave of emotions over repressed memories that she wished had never been dragged back up. She had to get away from the streets, find somewhere quiet where there weren’t as many eyes looking at her, why was everyone looking at her? She was a ghost, she shouldn’t even be here anymore-

Distantly and wildly, she burst into a dark, old building where she used to hide away when she needed to get away from the community Jackson had been  _ then _ . Now? She wishes for the relative calm the place had been in comparison, because then she didn’t have to worry about reacclimating to so many people. The shadows here had always been comforting, the dark hid her away from the world for a few hours until someone inevitably found her and pulled her back into the light or until her feelings had eased up enough to allow her to return to the fold. 

“Fuck-” Her chest felt tight and she couldn’t quite catch her breathe, everything was too much, too soon, she was too stupid to-

“El-!” She heard through the water in her ears and latched onto the new voice, it felt akin to someone reaching her while she was drowning and fighting to pull her through the rough waves to safety. “Hey!” The voice came through clearer, it sounded just a little more familiar now and she flailed a hand out in the direction of it, seeking purchase in the midst of the storm that was raging inside of her. 

Ellie found a shirt and clutched it, large hands covered her hand and pressed it against a chest so she could firmly feel the heart beating there. “There you go.” His voice was gentle, calming and served as an anchor as she dragged herself back to the world around her. “You’re okay, you’re in Jackson, it’s me, JJ, remember?” 

She shivered slightly and then buried into his front in order to escape the world around her. It was so dumb, having a panic attack in the middle of the market instead of the safety of somewhere where people wouldn't aggravate it and cause her to freak out like she did.

"I saw you running and tried to call your name." JJ continued talking, not judging her for needing some sort of contact to ground her. He probably thought it was weird as they were practically strangers but he  _ did _ initiate it so there was that at least. "Didn't know what happened so I asked Miss Beau who said you flipped out." 

Ellie groaned when he said that. Great, she ruined her first impression with someone and made herself look exactly like the loner lunatic that she felt she was now that she was back in "civilization." 

"Eh, I wouldn't worry about it. Word might get around you flipped in the market but can they blame you? You said you've been outside for a  _ while _ ." 

That was an understatement. She'd been gone for years from here specifically but since then, she had travelled around the country in hopes of finding something to fill the void that was left by letting go and running away. Ellie's hunger for revenge ruined a lot, true, but her own stubbornness ruined more by refusing to let her go home because she thought Dina really would be better off without her.

She was right, of course. Dina had done very well since she left, JJ was a kind and strong young man, no thanks to Ellie. 

"Ugh." Ellie pushed away from him and scrubbed her hand over her face, grimacing at the wet tears she wiped off in the motion. Cat Joel put his paws on her thigh, gently meowing in concern and then head butted her bicep to try to comfort her. "Damn cat." She laughed thickly, placing a hand on his head and scratching between his ears.

JJ settled on the step beside her, chuckling as Cat Joel nudged and bunted Ellie to keep her attention. "Yeah, he's been around since I was a kid after his owner passed away. Never really hooked onto anyone, Maria and mama could get near him to feed him but…" He noticed that the mention of those two women made Ellie tense up a little more prompted him to quickly switch the subject.

"Why Cat Joel?" He asked, cocking his head and raising an eyebrow.

Ellie didn't answer him for a minute, instead she was enamored by the soft fur of the cat she was petting while she gathered her thoughts. She respected Dina's wishes that JJ didn't know who Ellie was but she didn't know how much he  _ did _ know of history that involved his mother, his father and many people that he had no doubt been close to growing up. She could… bend the truth a little, it wouldn't be a lie because it'd have some merit to it but it wouldn't be the whole truth.

"When I was younger, I travelled with a man named Joel. He, uh, was Tommy's brother and Maria's brother-in-law before they split up." 

"Damn, really? No wonder you ended up in Jackson!" JJ leaned forward, eagerness plain as day on his face as his eyes focused on Ellie. 

"Yeah, uh. He died a long time ago and I dunno, it's stupid but this asshole kind of reminds me of him." Ellie called Cat Joel an asshole affectionately, she didn't really think the little creature was rude or mean but that had been her and Joel's thing of sorts before everything happened. It was nice to have a companion again who was kind of surly but affectionate with the right people. 

They sat in silence for a bit, Ellie still calming down while petting Cat Joel and JJ was leaning forward, head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. It was interesting to see how different he was from Dina too, more like Jesse in his features easily but he had his mother's nose. He had her ability to grin and charm anyone he met, hell he had charmed Ellie into trusting him enough so that she could get to know his name. The worst thing about living on her own had been the sheer loneliness she felt, no one to really talk to except for the few wanderers that she'd seen and the occasional animal she fed.

"Come on." JJ hopped up suddenly, startling both Ellie and Cat Joel. "Try again but uh, you don't have to rush to reintegrate or some shit like that, you know?" He held his hand out to her, his expression open and relaxed in an attempt to persuade Ellie to  _ trust _ him.

She eyed his hand warily for a moment. If she didn't take it, she'd probably hurt his feelings and ruin any of the miniscule progress she'd made towards redemption more than she already had. Dina would find out that she upset JJ and she would  _ not  _ be happy about that, a fact that would permanently ruin whatever tentative truce that they had made before Ellie's mouth had gotten ahead of itself. 

But what if she took his hand? She'd be dusting herself off again, standing up for what she wanted even when things went incredibly wrong. JJ was right, she didn't  _ have  _ to push herself, hell if she wanted things to get better, she'd have to let change happen naturally so as to not traumatize herself anymore than she had been already.

So, Ellie reached for his hand. 

_ A flash of Jesse when they were kids appeared, his stance cocky and a shit eating grin on his face as he helped Ellie up over a ledge, his hand strong and awkward over hers. Comforting nonetheless.  _

_ That comfort was gone now. _

_ Joel, holding her up and preventing her from falling after she stepped on a ledge that wasn't entirely too stable. He helped her up and clapped her shoulder, gruffly telling her good job for holding on.  _

_ That fatherly praise was gone too. _

_ Dina, holding her hand, holding her face, begging her to stay. Her eyes filled with tears, betrayal and hurt as Ellie made up her mind to leave Dina, for good this time.  _

_ Ellie ruined that. _

She took JJ's hand and let him pull her back into the sunshine that shone down on Jackson during the midmorning hours.


	5. Home Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie visits Tommy's grave at two in the morning, she drinks a little, talks even less but still moves forward with a surprise visit from someone she didn't expect to ever see again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 3am and almost 4k words for this beast of a chapter, please enjoy!

Ellie found herself at the entrance to the Jackson graveyard at close to 2am, frozen in place as she looked at the plain metal gate that separated her from her destination. She didn't exactly know what she  _ should _ feel, how do you react to visiting someone's grave for the first time? How was she supposed to cope with the fact that the last time she'd seen Tommy, he'd been angry, yeah, but he'd been  _ alive _ then. Since then, he fucking became the town drunk, people ridiculed him and then he died because of-

She breathed out raggedly, not even old age took him and for some reason, all she felt was sadness for his sorry ass. He was better off than she had been in some ways and worse off in all the wrong ones. Still, Ellie felt like there should be some kind of anger welling up inside of her and maybe there would be the closer she got to the grave. 

With a deep breath to resolve her nerve, she pushed forward to get to where Dina had told her that he was buried.  _ That _ had been an interesting conversation, especially since Ellie asked about it randomly on one of her long nights awake.

_ "Why are you up?" Dina's voice rang in her ears and Ellie turned to see the other woman leaned up against the entrance to the living room where Ellie sat in the darkness, staring off into the distance.  _

_ "Can't sleep most nights." She responded shortly. "Not… nightmares per se. But I usually sleep in short bursts."  _

_ Dina gave her a little smile, pleased at how she didn't have to pull information from Ellie anymore like she used to on long nights like this. "Because you were in the wilds?" _

_ Ellie nodded, slightly running her hand over a scar on her thigh that she got because she slept too long in one spot that hadn't been secured and she'd gotten on the wrong end of a hunter's arrow. That definitely hadn't been a good night, nor had the following weeks been any joy either.  _

Ellie chuckled despite herself. Finally, a good memory with Dina came to mind instead of her brain automatically replaying what happened the last time they saw each other. It was… really nice actually and she hoped that she'd get more chances to make new memories with Dina  _ and  _ JJ. Of course she wasn't dumb enough to think that everything was swept under the rug, that Dina would trust her again and that JJ would never find out that Ellie had meant  _ family _ to them at one point, but it was nice to pretend sometimes that things were different. 

Her missing fingers had never felt more prominent than they did right then as she walked up to Tommy's grave. 

Her first thought was… it was a lot more underwhelming than she expected. His headstone wasn't great, it wasn't as well done as some of the other's that surrounded him. Her second thought was that he was put into more of a corner than she thought he'd be, even if he was an utter douche in the last years of his life, he still helped build Jackson into what it was now. 

Plus, Ellie sort of thought he would be buried next to Joel despite everything. 

She chuckled at the almost bitter irony of it all, Joel and Tommy had been through a lot and for years, they'd been separated from each other because of what kind of person that Joel had become. Back then? Ellie didn't understand how could two brothers let themselves be torn apart when family was supposed to be precious, especially in the world they lived in. How could they let themselves grow bitter and hate each other for surviving? For doing what they needed to do?

In a way, she understands now. Not quite the same, she muses and crouches down to look at his disheveled grave, but close enough that she doesn't immediately spit on the dirt where Tommy is buried. 

"You don't look too good anymore." She whispered, almost afraid to break the stillness of the night, afraid that someone would hear her and think she meant harm when she definitely did  _ not. _ Ellie flopped backwards from her crouch onto her ass, kicking her legs out and firmly planting herself near the headstone that was illuminated by the minimal light that shone down from the cloudy night sky. 

Next, she shifted her jacket open and pulled out a bottle of moonshine that she definitely swiped from Dina's cupboards before she left and took a hearty swig of the alcohol. As she started coughing at the strength of it, she can only vaguely remember the last time she had any sort of alcohol, let alone proper alcohol. Not that the shit she was drinking was proper, but it did the job in helping ease up Ellie's tense body so she could relax and maybe fucking  _ talk _ . 

Yeah, wasn't talking supposed to help you process or something? She knows that Dina tried prying emotions out of her years ago but Ellie had been too traumatized, too scared to deal with them then. "Dammit." She swore under her breath because why couldn't she have fucking realized that  _ earlier? _

"It's all your fault." Ellie growled at the name in front of her as she felt her face screw up out of rage. It didn't sit well with her to blame him, her stomach knotted up inside of her, kind of like if the moonshine had taken a mind of its own and protested being drunk. 

Disturbing of a thought as it might be, it felt appropriate since she still felt like a caged animal that was trying to claw its way out in a world that wanted to tame it and use it for their own purposes. Did that mean she was comparing her feelings to the animal? What would be better in the end, letting the animal out to be free and express itself or cage it forever, thus dooming it to a life of misery?

"I wished-" Not surprisingly, her voice had picked up a bit of a slur from drinking something that could equate to paint thinner or whatever the hell Joel told her once. "I wished you'd stayed the _fuck_ away from me. At the farm." Ellie started and it felt… bad but also good at the same time. She'd never gotten to yell at him, too numb then to do anything about what had happened while Dina took charge, storming out after him and banning him from the property. 

It wasn't all his fault really, Ellie hadn't been herself ever since Joel died and Dina knew it. Tommy knew it.  _ Everyone _ who knew anything about Ellie knew that she was living as a shell of who she could have been, she could have been a soft and kind person but the world had twisted her into something nasty, something angry that was only viable for one purpose. It had only gotten worse after Joel was killed, worse after she turned away from the only family she had left to chase after someone who had been through enough. 

Fuck, was she really sympathizing with  _ Abby _ ? The woman who killed the closest man Ellie had had to a father? Maybe she really had lost it outside the walls, the lack of human companionship has made her do questionable things but had she really finally lost it?

She laughed, a full on, proper belly laugh that made her put down her drink so she could clutch at her stomach and roll back to let out the noise. Now she didn't really care about  _ who  _ heard her, she had to just let out her incredulousness at the situation at hand. Who the fuck had she become? Nearly 37 years old and she was finally, finally losing her goddamn mind, not even to the infection like she thought would happen but to general old age. 

"I'm not even that fucking old." She chuckled, sitting back up and slouching over so she was staring at Tommy's grave again. Ellie didn't get much time with him before… so she didn't have too much to remember him by before he turned into that angry, crippled man who pushed her to get the absolution they had  _ both _ wanted.

"You shouldn't have pushed me." Ellie sobered up a little, placing her arms on her knees and then her chin on top of her forearms. If she stared hard enough at the headstone, she could almost imagine what he looked like the last time she saw him. Grizzled, hurt, angry and so, so  _ tired _ . Sometimes, she forgot that he was there the night of the outbreak, the day Joel lost his daughter and then how they both had to learn how to survive, do things they wouldn't have done before the world went to shit. 

"I blame myself, you know." A pause. "Yeah, I can blame you for pushing me but you didn't decide that I was going. You weren't the one who left Dina and JJ behind." Another short pause and she scratched at the back of her neck, what do you say to someone who's been dead for a while and it's been 17 years since you've been back?

Ellie reclined again, leaning back on her hands and gazed up at the night sky. Ever since Joel got her into astronomy, or whatever the heck it was, she found a sort of peace in stargazing and sometimes, she'd sit outside for hours and pick out the different constellations that she could remember. Maybe now she was back in Jackson, she could find a book that explained the stars again. "I wonder if you liked space." Ellie wondered out loud, to no one in particular.

"He didn't." An older woman's voice caught her off guard, startling her enough that she fell to the ground with a shriek that Ellie would never admit came from her. She looked up, bewildered at who else would be out and about at fucking three in the morning when she was too, most normal people were  _ asleep  _ by now-

She froze as she saw a familiar face, granted it was older and a  _ lot  _ more worn down but couldn't mistake her for anyone else in the compound. "Maria?" Ellie asked dumbly, still frozen on the ground as the older woman smiled down at her. 

\-----------

Ellie had been invited to Maria's house, an invitation that she took with only a little bit of hesitation. It was weird, she could say/think that right? Maria had been her aunt (of sorts) before she left and Ellie  _ knew _ that she didn't approve of the path Tommy went down after Abby crippled him, so what was she supposed to assume now? How did Maria feel about her?

She stayed on the porch, going inside Maria's house felt weird to her oddly enough. Things weren't the same as they had been, neither of them were the same people they were the last time they gathered in the house so she stayed outside. Wasn't all bad, Ellie could still see the stars from where she was and the cool breeze that came through felt good on her face. 

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Maria brought out a mug of tea for Ellie, gently leaving it by her elbow on the railing. "After you left." 

Ellie chuckled. This was familiar at least. How many nights had she spent with Joel like this? Both of them leaning over the railing, talking and laughing all the way up to before he told her the truth of what happened with the Fireflies. 

"Not in the way I thought I needed." She answered, unraveling her arms and gingerly taking the tea that steamed pleasantly into her face. "I thought killing her would help but… I didn't even do it. She had that boy to look after, like Joel did for me y'know?" 

Maria's eyebrows raised in surprise. "Then why the hell did you stay away so long?" Her voice was gruff, stern in the exact same way it always had been when she scolded Tommy, Joel and Ellie all alike years ago. "You could've came back, you know we would have been- we thought you were  _ dead _ !"

Ellie winced as her voice pitched with the force of her anger. It was a rational thought, not many people survived on their own long outside of a community or a pack but she'd always been more resilient than most, that combined with her immunity and it was a perfect combination for a loner who could make it by themselves. 

Still, she had to give Maria the truth, not some bullshit excuse about how she was respecting Dina's wishes because it wasn't  _ just _ Dina. It never was.

"The truth?" Ellie made a face, grimacing about having to be honest because yuck, who wants that? Maria nodded, expecting no less after so long away. "I went back to the Farmhouse after it." 

"Wait, you didn't even stop to tell us you were okay?"

"Let me finish." 

"Okay, sorry." Maria took another drink of her tea, turning away from Ellie for a moment. She pushed off the railing and went to sit in the rocking chair nearby, her gait was stiff, uneasy, her age was showing a lot more than Ellie thought it would be which just made her feel worse for staying away for so long. She's missed so  _ much _ time with the people she loved, all of it her own damn fault. 

"Getting old." Ellie turned around so she could face Maria, she figured it'd be a little easier for the old woman to hear her and she really did want to talk. Everyone deserved answers after it all and she deserved some sort of closure, it was unlikely that she’d get forgiveness but that’d be okay, if she could honestly move on from her past, then she was going to be okay with whatever happened now.

Maria didn't take offense to Ellie's observation, instead she just laughed as she leaned back into the chair. "And I see your observational skills are still as sharp as ever.” She gazed out into the empty streets of Jackson, her home having been situated here since before the establishment of the community and the general consensus had led her to getting a home right here near where they had the town meetings between the few leaders they ‘elected’. Ellie had no idea, she never really got into the politics of it all. She just knew that overall it  _ worked _ . 

Ellie idly wondered who Dina worked with now to keep the town in check.

“I went back to the Farmhouse, I don’t know why I thought Dina would still be there after it all. She said she was done but… even if she wasn’t there, I kind of hoped to get some kind of closure. What kind? I really don’t fucking know.” Ellie chuckled bitterly into her mug, she swirled the liquid around. At least the tea was nice, she didn’t have stuff like this often outside, only rarely and it was always a nice treat when she could have it. 

Maria nodded, digesting what Ellie told her with a contemplative look on her face. “After?”

Ellie wiggled her crippled hand, almost sarcastically because she’d accepted the consequences of her actions years ago. This had been her reality, she didn’t see any shame in it anymore but it was very likely that others would think the real story was jarring, not that she cared what others thought anymore but it wasn’t like she’d go waving her hand in people’s faces. “I tried playing Joel’s guitar. I don’t know what I was thinking, of course I’m not gonna be able to fucking play it but I dunno, I guess I had to try.” 

Another stretch of silence greeted her. Maria stared out into the distance past her in the general direction of the farmhouse, deep in thought she finished off her mug of tea and set the ceramic cup down in her lap. “Dina went out there, about a year after you left. She had some kind of hope that you had come back but all I remember is that she came back, holding that damn guitar and a few other things. I watched JJ for her when she shut herself in for about a week and a half, she said you were dead, you had to be if you really just stayed away.” 

“I-”

“We had a wake for you! Dammit, Ellie, you should have come back!” Maria launched out of her chair as best as she could despite her old age, Ellie moved to prevent her from hurting herself. She’d already hurt enough people, she didn’t want her ‘aunt’ to break anything on her behalf. Maria sat back in the chair, tears now visible in her eyes as her memories took her back in time to not long after Ellie decided to stay away. 

  
“I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t help but I was a  _ coward _ , I couldn’t come back and own up to what I’d done. How I turned out after giving up everything to chase after her, especially after I let her  _ live _ .” Ellie put her mug down beside where Maria’s had fallen after her attempt at jumping up. “I could blame it on respecting Dina’s wishes, how she told me she was  _ done _ but the truth is that I ran away. Again. I was a coward who couldn’t face the consequences of her own damn actions. I fucking get that, I’ve been beating myself up for it ever since I left, ever since I came back.”

She was tired, really fucking tired of running away. Feelings had never been her strong suit, she never learned how to properly work through her grief growing up in a QZ, Joel sure as hell didn’t help it and the one woman who tried to be Ellie’s salvation… she’d been scorned because of Tommy- because  _ Ellie _ refused to let go. There had been one thing that Ellie had been good at back then and that was killing, it was going on a warpath to get what she wanted and showing no mercy to those who got in her way.

Violence was unavoidable. It was the only thing she’d ever really know. Vengeance on the other hand was a bitch she never wanted to ever get familiar with ever again. They were all trying to make their way in a fucked up world with even more fucked up rules, everyone angry and bitter over how things turned out. 

Maria sighed again. “What about now? Are you gonna run off again when something happens?” Ellie shook her head but Maria didn’t seem convinced. “You didn’t just hurt Dina when you ran off, a lot of us liked having you around.”

“I’m sorry.” Ellie apologized for what felt like the millionth time and she’d keep apologizing until it felt believable to not only to the people she left behind, but to her own ears as well. 

“The day I found out you left, I ripped into Tommy. I screamed, I yelled and I’m pretty sure I hit him a few times because dammit, I didn’t want to lose another one of my people.”

“It wasn’t all on him, I decided to go.” 

“Yeah, but he shouldn’t have fucking pushed you! You were just a kid, maybe an adult but you didn’t need to be forced to make a decision when you were still so fucked up.” Now Maria just sounded sad, her eyes down turned as she looked away from Ellie. “I missed you, kid.” She said quietly and pulled Ellie into a tight hug, one that was quickly reciprocated. 

It was nice, human contact and all that. Her first proper contact had been JJ with how she helped him get back to Jackson, followed by Dina who helped  _ her _ by stitching her up and lending her a broom closet for a bedroom when she needed a place to stay. This was her first real contact with someone where there wasn’t any rhyme or reason to it other than to just hold each other and it felt  _ fantastic _ . 

Ellie didn’t care what she had to do, she’d prove that she was here to stay. Slowly, but surely, she’d re-earn her place within the community she called home once upon a time.

\-----------------------

Walking back to Dina’s place was nice, the air was still cool against her skin and Ellie closed her eyes for a moment, stopping just long enough that she could properly take it in. The smells that the breeze brought were pleasant, the vague scent of something being cooked wafted over to her and made her stomach rumble. It was close to dawn so breakfast wasn’t an impossible thought, hell, maybe she could make something for Dina and JJ to wake up to.

As long as they didn’t mind scrambled eggs and maybe some jerky, despite living on her own for years, Ellie still wasn’t a good cook by any stretch of the imagination.

She’d been lost in thought for so long that when she got back to Dina’s home, she almost missed the fact that the other woman was on the porch, a worried look on her face and a blanket wrapped around her body. Presumably she got up in the middle of the night and went to check on Ellie but found her bedroll empty, her backpack still in place with the rest of her things/weapons in the closet so it wasn’t like she ran off again. Still, the thought of her disappearing again wasn’t unreasonable so Ellie wasn’t gonna blame Dina for worrying.

But Ellie didn’t want to run away from this again, hell it was kind of symbolic that she was making her way home to Dina this time. She didn’t know what she’d have to do to mend their relationship but she wasn’t about to let it go broken anymore, she’d fight for it, fight for Dina like she should have all those years ago. But that was the past, Ellie couldn’t change it anymore than she could because she just simply didn’t have that kind of power. The fact that she was here had to mean something, it had to count for something and it was up to Ellie to prove it. 

She was older. Wiser. 

She was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you thought!


	6. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie keeps healing and rehashes some of the past with Dina after an almost family dinner. She's staying this time, no matter what happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, im blatantly inserting characters, no, i do not regret
> 
> Note: Don't be afraid to leave a comment! Reviews mean a lot to me!

A few weeks passed after that night in the graveyard and the morning that Ellie came back to Dina waiting for her. She was taking it a lot slower now, not in a rush to reintegrate back into society which would only incite more panic within her. Now, now she would only venture into the busiest parts of Jackson if she was helping Beau set up her stand early in the morning when there weren’t too many souls crowding the streets. A few times she’d even met Jester, Beau’s wife who always smelled like freshly baked pastries and managed to make Ellie feel like a small child again with her mother henning over how thin she was and forcing her to eat at least one meal with them every few days. 

Beau had apologized for her wife’s zeal but the grin on her face then made it clear that she wasn’t really sorry that Ellie had been pseudo-adopted. Strangely, Ellie didn’t mind all that much because it felt like she was making friends on her  _ own _ , separate from everyone else and it was an exhilarating feeling. 

"Hey kid, Jester wants to know if you want… a plant." Beau looked at the sort of half dying plant in her hands with a confused look. She didn't seem to understand  _ why _ she was holding a potted cactus that seemed a lot worse for wear but Ellie actually thought the prickly little thing was cute. 

Maybe she could take it, she seemed to be doing a pretty good job of keeping Cat Joel alive plus she didn't wholly fuck up when she was in charge of JJ and the sheep way back when. It was cute and adorable, Ellie liked those things, especially on a little cactus that looked like it had seen better days perhaps. 

Ellie held out her hands to take it from Beau, she cupped the pot gingerly fully aware that the look of adoration on her face was clear to see if anyone felt so inclined to look at her. It was a standard cactus, perfectly round, a bit wrinkled and if she remembered from her books right, it could have the potential to flower someday. Maybe she could make it do that! Wouldn't that be so fucking cool? 

"Thanks." Ellie said, refusing to admit that the little plant she'd been given made her misty eyed. 

Beau snorted and ruffled her hair, almost knocking over Ellie's new plant and the process as well as accidentally nudging a lazing Cat Joel with her boot. He m'owed in protest, swatted at her foot with an angry look on his face. "Ah, ease up ya filthy feline." It sounded like an insult but the affectionate look on Beau's face betrayed that she actually liked Ellie's shadow. She even knelt down, gently running her fingers over the nape of his neck to make him purr before she passed him some dried meat to munch on. 

"Don't steal my cat!" 

"I'm  _ not! _ " 

Ellie laughed whole-heartedly, uncaring of the attention she drew on herself from the loud noise she made. It felt good just to laugh, just to be silly with someone she could actually stand as a human being. Of course, it had been awkward between the two of them, Ellie wasn't a people person anymore and Beau had a tendency to put her foot in her mouth but they eventually found a middle ground when Ellie found Beau practicing some form of hand to hand that was  _ definitely _ Old World.

She looked at the plant again, truly happy for the first time in a long,  _ long _ time. "Hey, thanks Beau but I best get this fella home, you know?" Ellie gestured with the plant and gently nudged Cat Joel with her boot. He meowed in offense but still, got up, lumbering due to getting older and stretched with a big yawn that made Beau cackle a little. "And get lazy bones there a bath, he's apparently part dirt now." 

"Careful with that, I gave my wife's damn rat a bath once." Beau held up her hands so Ellie could see little scars decorating them. "Our friend had better luck but still, nobody fucks with Sprinkles." She snorted and waved Ellie off, ignoring the way she wondered who the fuck names a weasel Sprinkles.

\---------

Cat Joel wandered off once on the way back to Dina's house, Ellie just shrugged and figured he had important cat business to take care of but no. He came back with a rock in his mouth for whatever cat reason he needed to have a rock for. "Buddy, why do you have a rock?" She chuckled and knelt down to look at it, carefully shifting her plant to one hand to take the rock from Cat Joel. 

She didn't expect an answer obviously but he looked proud of his little prey nonetheless. Ellie pocketed the rock into her jacket, it was a nice little rock so maybe it could go right beside her plant. 

Maybe Dina would… maybe she would let Ellie have a little spot to keep the cactus where she could see it and take care of it? She was already taking up a lot of space just by having her little closet space to sleep in but maybe, maybe it wouldn't hurt to ask? There really was only one way to find out but Ellie felt like it would be too much to ask for a favor like this, even after the progress she'd made since coming back,  _ especially _ after what she did  _ before _ leaving and the whole leaving thing. 

She steeled her nerves and walked into the house, holding it open with her free hand so Cat Joel could walk in and meow at Dina who was in the kitchen. JJ certainly wasn't the one cooking because as Ellie discovered, he was as bad at cooking as she was. They could both make the most  _ basic _ things and survive on roasted meat, but Dina had always been better at cooking. Even when Jesse was alive, the two of them usually puppy dog eyed Dina into being the one who cooked, especially since they offered to clean up or whatever they had to do so they didn't burn another meal. 

It was kind of funny. JJ looked so much like Dina with a few smatterings of Jesse's features but he apparently inherited his father's (and Ellie's) ability to  _ not _ cook.

JJ saw her from his bored perch at the dining room table and lit up, "Ellie! Fuck yeah-" she blinked as a small flashback hit her, the three of them at the farm when Ellie put on that record for Dina- "Mama won't stop making fun of me." 

Ellie wasn't fazed. "You probably deserve it." She bumped the door closed with her hip and tentatively went into the kitchen, almost afraid that Dina would run her off. A little ball of amusement settled inside her chest at Dina scolding him for swearing so blatantly and JJ complaining about how she never cares that he swears. 

"Well, you're swearing in front of polite company." Dina said finally, shutting him down and shooting a curious glance at the cactus in Ellie's hands. She smiled a little though at seeing her, so that wasn't so bad. It felt nice to have positive attention from Dina so Ellie wasn't going to comment on it and potentially fuck it up.

"Cat Joel is polite company, listen to your mom kiddo." As she hoped, her little quip had the both of them laughing in response. JJ leaned back over the table, his shoulders shaking with the force of his laughter as the deep sound contrasted with Dina's giggling. She basked in the noise for a few, imagining briefly what could have been if she stayed but she didn't let the what ifs hold her back from enjoying the present.

Dina was busy stirring something on the stove despite her laughing at Ellie disrupting her motions. The smell was tempting Ellie to come closer to peer into the pot, so she didn't resist the urge and moved forward without crowding too close to the woman cooking. "What… What are you making?" 

There's a soft smile thrown in her direction, it makes Ellie wonder if Dina is just being kind to her right now because she'd been dragged through literal hell for years on end. But if she was being honest, Dina was always soft, almost too soft, she had too much hope for this gnarled world that sought to destroy whatever light that tried to shine out of its murky depths. She had drawn Ellie in, not unlike a moth drawn to a flame.

Ellie almost smacks herself for the irony in that statement.

"Nothing fancy, some kind of Chili my sister and I used to make." JJ perks up at the mention of his long dead aunt. Hell, Ellie remembers that no matter how okay Dina was expressing her grief, her sister had always been a touchy subject for her to talk about but she did. She did tell Ellie about Talia, soft memories, painful ones, everything that she never got to say had been whispered to Ellie in the wee hours of the morning. 

It was touching that Dina mentioned this so casually to her and Ellie would  _ not _ fuck this up again.

"Oh man, that sounds fucking  _ awesome _ . It smells really good too." 

"I hope so! When was the last time you had a good home cooked meal?" It wasn't a jab about how skinny Ellie still was, no, it was just an earnest question that Dina asked. No malice behind it, just… Dina.

"I have lunch with Beau and Jester sometimes, they feed me after I help them with setting up their new fence." 

"You're  _ shitting _ me!" Dina sounded surprised that Ellie said their names. Why was that? Beau and Jester were really nice, it made sense that they forced Ellie to actually eat and rest after a long day in the sun doing manual labour for them. 

At Ellie's confused look, JJ jumped into the conversation to explain his mother's bewilderment. "They're sort of… reclusive? They're nice an' all but nobody's really ever gotten to know them." 

That confused Ellie even more. "They're nice? Beau gave me a plant!" She brandished the cactus excitedly, wincing as she made Dina dodge the spiky thing after almost accidentally clocking her with it. "Sorry!" 

Dina just smacked her with the clean end of her stirring spoon. 

Ellie decided to ignore that. 

"I'm serious, look at it!" Ellie held it back to her chest, cooing affectionately at the cactus. She didn't get to keep many things out in the wilds, let alone a houseplant but she'd already grown attached to it and she didn't care what she had to do, she was going to keep it.

The twin looks of amusement she got from Dina and JJ made her ears burn. 

"Miss Dina? JJ?" A knock at the door stopped their bonding session before Caleb's head popped in. "Sorry to interrupt but-"

"Oh shit!" JJ leapt up from the dining room table and ran upstairs to get something. "I forgot! Mama, I said I'd go hunting with him!" 

"He can't hunt worth shit." Ellie muttered to herself, remembering his attempt to lure in wild game when they had to hole up in her stronghold. 

"You can't cook worth shit." Was the retort she got, offending Ellie with a fragile, teasing smirk that made her heart flutter ever so slightly within her chest. Moments like this were going to be rare, at least until Ellie proved herself to Dina and earned her trust all over again,  _ if _ she was willing to give it that is. She wouldn't blame Dina if she didn't, Ellie really didn't deserve it but the world seemed to like to fuck with her, so she'd take what she could get.

"Not true!" Ellie scowled at Dina who raised one of her eyebrows in response. "I can cook  _ one _ thing." She puffed out her chest, proud of herself for being able to do something well. The boys had said that it was the tastiest thing they could have eaten on a scavenging run, considering they didn't have all that much to start with since the run was supposed to last a day at most and was supposed to be an easy one for first timers off a guided patrol.

"Yeah, she made a  _ dope _ stew, was that it?" Caleb reminded them that he was still waiting for JJ, blatantly ignoring the fact that his friend had just fell over upstairs. 

Apparently, JJ was as clumsy as Ellie had been, something she didn't really know how to work with but it kind of made her feel good. Despite her absence in his life, both physical and by word of mouth, there was something he learned from her even if it wasn't exactly the legacy that she wanted to leave behind. 

Caleb and JJ disappeared out the door, saying bye to the two of them and patting Cat Joel once for good luck. Dina shouted at them to be careful and not stay outside the gates for more than an hour but she was sure that they didn't hear her. "I keep telling them they're gonna give me a heart attack." She grumbled and turned off the stove once the chili finally finished cooking. 

Throwing a wary glance at Ellie, she gingerly reached out for the cactus that she was still holding and made a little questioning noise. Ellie passed it over easily enough, a little worried as to what Dina was gonna do with her newest possession but she trusted her not to do anything rash with it. The other woman just casually went over to the window above the sink and placed the plant there, turning it so it got the maximum amount of sunlight possible. 

It was a small thing but it felt like a huge action to Ellie, a little symbol of hope that she still had a spot in Dina's life. She could re-earn her friendship, the real kind that had her sharing all of her little secrets and not the kind she handed out to everyone she met. 

"You gonna name it?" Dina leaned against the sink, crossing her arms under her chest and fixed Ellie with a long, steady, questioning look. 

Ellie shrugged. "Bob." She said the first thing that came to mind which completely disarmed Dina. 

"You're… naming a plant… Bob?" Her tone was filled with nothing but astonishment and she gawked at Ellie for the  _ longest _ minute before a little scoff escaped her. She shook her head with an affectionate, "Nice to see some things don't change." 

Ellie wanted to continue the banter, keep it light hearted but she knew that Dina would never  _ really _ be at ease with her unless she started owning up to what she did. "Well, yeah. Some things don't but, change isn't so bad, is it?" She said quietly, hoping that Dina understood what she was getting at.

That got her another, long scrutinizing stare and Ellie stood there, accepting it. She'd bare her soul if she had to, reduce herself to nothing but gristle and bone if that's what it took for Dina to understand that Ellie was  _ genuine _ , she meant what she said and she had no regrets about moving on, moving forward. 

"You left." Dina whispered, turning away to avoid the onslaught of emotions that were sure to follow. Cat Joel went over to her, rubbing against her leg with a gravely purr emanating from him and that made her grateful that he understood how hard this had to be on Dina. "You left us, you left me to raise JJ by  _ myself _ . Yeah, I had other people to help but-"

"I was his mom. I was supposed to be the one there, not them." Ellie finished for Dina, the same thought having crossed her mind over and over again for the past 17 years. Dina turned on her suddenly, nostrils flaring with anger that had stayed buried for just as long as Ellie had been gone. She stormed over to Ellie, barely avoiding stepping on Cat Joel in the process and poked her  _ hard  _ in the center of her chest.

Ellie's hands went up in a sign of peace, she didn't want to fight but she had a feeling that Dina was expecting one. "You better not leave again." Dina whispered, her one single finger turning into her placing her entire palm over where Ellie's heart beat inside her chest. "You hear me?"

Ellie nodded furiously, she had already made up her mind about  _ that _ so this was an easy promise. She held up her hand with just the three fingers and said, "Scout's honor." Not that she exactly meant for that to be funny, but it still made her chuckle internally. 

Dina didn't find it as funny, she took Ellie's hand in hers, softly running her thumb over the palm over her hand. "I'm serious."

"So am I." 

" _ Prove it _ ." Dina said firmly, holding Ellie's hand still. " _ Stay _ ." 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading? Come harrass me @shadowcrow on tumblr if you've got anything specific!
> 
> Songs I listened to on repeat while writing this are boh Shawn James songs.
> 
> The Guardian (Ellie's Song) and When I'm Gone


End file.
